Self-Love Isn't Selfish: Daily Practices That Transform Mental Health

Content Warning: This introduction includes references to suicidal ideation. If this feels triggering for you, please skip ahead to the section “What Self-Love Isn’t.” 💖

If you ever find yourself wishing not to be here or thinking of harming yourself, please reach out to 988 by call, text, or chat. When in doubt, reach out.

Self-love isn’t selfish.

Before you eyeroll and dismiss that as toxic positivity, know this: self-love has literally saved my life.

When Self-Love Felt Impossible

Two years ago, I found myself immobilized by depression. I had been working for a tyrant who demanded perfection and hurled toxicity at me constantly for falling short.

“You don’t deserve these children.”

“You don’t deserve your husband.”

“Your family thinks they need you, but they can’t see what I see. You hold them back from finding someone more reliable. It would be an act of love for you to set them free.”

It’s impossible to escape a bully when that bully is you—and if you’ve ever shared headspace with an inner bully of your own, I hope you feel seen.

As the abuse continued, I sank deeper and deeper into a depression that made even the most basic task seem impossible. The more I shut down, the more things escalated.

After listening to this vitriol for weeks—if not months—I began to rationalize that she had a point. That’s when things got very dark very fast.

Reaching Out for Help

I had experienced passive suicidal ideation in my teens and early 20s, but this time I edged even closer to giving into these dark thoughts once and for all. Though I never made a solid plan, I had found a method.

Thankfully, the internet has a safeguard for this type of situation. When you search for things related to suicide, a banner for 988 appears at the top.

With my husband sleeping soundly at my side, I texted a counselor and vented all the ways I believed I was failing.

They responded with something like, “I think you’re being too hard on yourself. Would you like me to send someone to check in on you?”

“Too hard on yourself? This person has no idea how truly lazy you are,” my bully whispered in my head.

Nonetheless, I declined the offer for assistance and thanked them for their time. Somehow I limped along for about three more weeks before melting down into a sobbing wreck on the bathroom floor over the state of my home.

I knew my family needed more from me, but I just couldn’t move.

I reached out to 988 again and spoke to a counselor on the phone. I needed to know if I was safe in my emotional state, or if I needed to rush myself to the closest hospital. The counselor gently encouraged me to seek treatment at a mental health facility, rather than the brief triage care of an ER.

This would provide access to a wider range of treatment options like group therapy and one-to-one counseling in addition to supervision and medication management. With apprehension, I agreed to admit myself into a mental health facility three hundred miles away from home.

I shudder to think what might have happened if I had not reached out to that lifeline that day.

The Cost of Survival

Though I have so much gratitude for having had the resources to go to inpatient treatment, I regret the time it separated me from my children and the strain it put on my husband. My hospitalization suddenly forced him into the role of a temporary single parent with a full-time job, and my youngest child went to his first day of preschool without his mother there to hold his hand.

All of this could have been avoided if I had heeded the advice I had already received in therapy years earlier: practice self-love every day.

So no, self-love isn’t selfish. Learning to care for myself mentally and emotionally restored my gratitude for the precious gift of life. Self-love now keeps me away from self-harm, so it means far more to me than simple indulgence.

It means survival—staying here for the people I love.

In this article, I will share lessons I’ve learned from my own recovery process and ways to incorporate truly meaningful acts of self-love into your daily life.

Start your own journey of self-discovery with the printable: Love in Practice: 5 Reflection Prompts for Self-Growth in this Emotional Regulation Toolkit.

What Self-Love Isn’t

Popular marketing strategies often weaponize “therapy speak” to encourage us to spend without guilt. Less guilt sounds like a positive thing. After all, the whole point of my introduction is that self-criticism contributes to poor mental health.

Let’s not fool ourselves, though—corporations and advertisers don’t encourage us to treat ourselves out of concern for our wellbeing. They want us to spend money mindlessly to maximize profits.

If material things held the key to self-love and contentment, billionaires and overconsumption wouldn’t exist. Self-love rooted in materialism deprives us of something deeper and more meaningful.

Think about it this way: A man neglects and verbally abuses his wife then compensates for it by treating her to expensive gifts and lavish vacations. The emotional highs she gets from these shallow displays of affection quickly fade when he goes back to his demeaning treatment of her.

As the cycle continues, his gestures become grander and more frequent, but the cruelty only intensifies. Nonetheless, she fools herself into thinking that her ever-expanding collection of designer clothes and jewelry makes up for the growing void in her heart.

Would you want this love to find you? I certainly wouldn’t.

Yet, many of us treat ourselves the same way. We neglect our mental and physical health and abuse ourselves with cruel self-talk until the dopamine in our brain evaporates completely.

Meanwhile, aggressive digital marketing inundates us with promises of happiness. Our desperation to feel something other than guilt and shame moves us to take the bait.

The satisfaction of opening a new package does the trick—until the bank or credit card statement hits our inbox. A new source of guilt and shame has entered the chat, and the pattern repeats, leaving us in a perpetual state of wanting more.

Buying yourself a nice gift can absolutely be an act of self-love, but it starts to lose meaning when you do it out of FOMO—not because the product actually speaks to your inner person.

Moreover, treating yourself can unintentionally become an act of self-harm when you go into debt in the process.

We overconsume because material things lack the substance needed to atone for the things missing in our relationship with ourselves. Our inner person longs for a deeper and more secure connection.

Let’s take a closer look at the quiet and less glamorous acts of self-love that have a more profound impact on our mental health.

Use the gentle Self-Love Purchase Reflection included in this Emotional Regulation Toolkit to help you understand the “why” behind your purchases—and how they actually make you feel over time.

Making Mental Wellness a Daily Priority

Over the course of two years, my amazing psychiatrist has worked patiently with me to fine-tune my medications so I can better manage my ADHD, depression, and anxiety symptoms. This has drastically changed my life for the better.

However, just like weight-loss medications work best with mindful eating and exercise, psychiatric medications work best when paired with therapy.

That being said, many obstacles prevent people from meeting with a traditional therapist—time, money, availability of professionals in the area, and more. The good news is that technology and your local library make it easy to access therapeutic concepts at little to no cost.

Important note: If your symptoms significantly impact your daily life, it’s imperative that you reach out to a licensed mental health professional for assistance. Mental Health America (MHA) provides free online mental health screenings here.

How I Built My Routine

After the triggering event that motivated me to prioritize my mental health, I dove headfirst into research. I spent hours watching YouTube videos, listening to podcasts, lurking mental health-related subreddits, borrowing numerous books and audiobooks from the library, and journaling.

This helped me identify and understand the issues that contributed to the self-loathing I had developed in childhood and carried with me well into my 30s. Once I knew what to target, I committed to doing some form of what I call “brain work” every single day.

First, I needed to set a time for it. Prioritizing something means putting it first, so I set a goal of waking up at 6 AM seven days a week for at least a month to make sure I took care of my mental health before anything else.

To be honest, I would whine to myself every morning, “Is it really that important to get up this early?”

Absolutely. Failing to get out of bed to do the work meant letting myself down, so I fought the urge to hit snooze every single day for an entire month.

This ended up being the most important part of the whole process. One month became two months, then more, and before I knew it, I had established a solid habit of taking care of my mind.

Okay, I’ll admit it—I’ve started sleeping in on weekends again. But I try not to go more than two days without doing some form of brain work. Any longer than that and I start becoming more cynical and less emotionally regulated.

The one time I took an entire week off, I practically went feral, and my husband even asked—pointedly—if I had been neglecting my therapy.

A Peek Into My Morning Routine

Wake up at 6 AM (most days)
Journaling—I use my Daily Self-Love Check-In to practice self-forgiveness and mindfulness.
Spirituality—I know people approach this differently, but I personally use this time to pray, read the Bible, take notes, and meditate on how to apply what I’ve learned to my life.
Mental or Emotional Work—Initially, I used this time to read books by psychology experts to build emotional regulation skills and explore childhood patterns that contributed to my poor sense of self. Later, I read Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein—mostly to cure intellectual boredom. Now I devote this time to writing my blog, which helps me refresh my skills and focus on applying everything I’ve learned about self-care and emotional regulation
Routine Building—I read books about cleaning, organizing, and routine-building, taking notes and creating spreadsheets to implement new systems and rituals at home.

Note: My book recommendations can be found at the end of this post.

On an ideal day, I spend two hours on my brain work routine. But if you think this means everyone should do it this way, you can relax.

This schedule works for me because I homeschool my children and rarely have anywhere to be early in the day. Things fall apart quickly when I do.

I simply want to encourage you to do three things:

Look for therapeutic resources that work for you,
Set aside a reasonable amount of time to focus on your mental and emotional wellness, and
Be consistent.

Create a self-love routine that truly fits your lifestyle with the Self-Love Routine Builder Worksheet included in this Emotional Regulation Toolkit.

Choosing Self-Forgiveness Over Perfectionism

When it comes to taking accountability for mistakes, I notice that people tend to default to one of two modes: excessive apologizer or blame shifter.

As the former, I frequently find myself apologizing to people who absentmindedly bump into me in the grocery store aisle.

Conversely, the blame shifter will perform gold medal mental gymnastics to avoid taking responsibility for their carelessness. In their version of events, I rammed myself into their cart at full speed.

What determines a person’s default setting for handling imperfect moments?

More often than not, it comes down to coping mechanisms developed in childhood.

Children raised in homes where moments of imperfection result in emotional or physical abuse learn to survive by either apologizing quickly to defuse the situation or lying to avoid the consequences. Over time these behaviors become automatic responses that follow them into adulthood.

Though both survival instincts sit at opposite ends of the spectrum, they share the deeply entrenched roots of toxic guilt and shame.

Practicing self-forgiveness daily can help both camps learn to accept that they have imperfections like every other person. Honest mistakes and shortcomings should be expected, so we have no reason to berate ourselves or rewrite history to dodge accountability.

When we learn to sit with our less-than-perfect moments or qualities without excessive guilt and shame, we take back our freedom to be imperfect without abuse.

We begin to love ourselves without fear of judgment.

Journaling can serve as a safe space to work on this. How so?

Think of a pantry stocked with a variety of food—some of it good for you, and the rest of it not so much. If you wanted to encourage yourself to reach for the most nourishing options, you would probably pull them to the front of the shelf and keep the lesser options out of sight.

The brain works the same way. If we want to encourage a healthier mindset, we need to pull positive self-talk to the front and push negativity to the back.

Journaling your thoughts mindfully allows you to lay them all out, reframe them gently, and push the negativity out of sight. As you build the habit of pulling healthy thoughts out into the open, you leave less room for the toxic ones.

Before writing in my journal, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath, and check my body for signs of agitation—clenched jaw, wrinkled forehead, tingling in my lips. This helps me gauge how much time and effort I need to put into weeding out negativity that may be lurking under the surface. Once I’ve gotten my emotional baseline, I start writing.

Lately, I’ve been using this simple reflection prompt: “Today, I forgive myself for…”

I think of something I could have done better or feel guilty about and let it go, often explaining why I choose to do so. Doing this daily has helped me train my brain to work through my problems with compassion instead of shame.

This morning, for example, I forgave myself for not starting a load of laundry last night because I have ADHD and hit the dopamine jackpot with this blog project. I acknowledged the problem and let it go.

Does that mean I’m off the hook? Not yet. I merely set the tone to address the importance of setting boundaries with myself.

Without self-forgiveness, my inner monologue would’ve been like this, “You can barely keep the house together now. What makes you think you can be a writer too?”

However, practicing self-forgiveness on a regular basis helped me reframe it this way instead, “You’re not a bad wife and mother. You’re just hyperfocused on something that excites you at the moment. It will level off, but you need to find a way to rein yourself in until it does.”

I held myself accountable—just in a more compassionate way.

I respond best in the absence of guilt and shame.

Truth be told, I still struggled to find balance today—my writing inspiration struck at a time when I should have been lesson planning. That doesn’t mean I need to give up completely. I can start fresh tomorrow.

This mind shift, however, happened over time—not overnight; it took months of daily practice to reach this place of self-compassion.

Self-forgiveness has released me from the oppression of perfectionism. It has given me the confidence to sing, dance, relearn to roller skate at 37 (and forgive myself for the leg fracture), and even take a shot at becoming a writer.

I no longer worry about failing because I choose to love myself no matter what. You deserve to love yourself unconditionally too.

Make the time to practice self-forgiveness every single day. It only takes a few minutes and won’t cost you a thing. You can forgive yourself by writing in a diary, leaving yourself a sticky note, recording a voice memo, talking to yourself in the mirror — whatever works for you.

It really doesn’t matter how you express self-forgiveness as long as you make it a daily habit.

Read more about the power of self-forgiveness in this Psychology Today article.

Silence your inner bully with this song:

🌿 Start Your Day with Self-Compassion—Check out the Daily Self-Love Check-In Worksheet in this Emotional Regulation Toolkit.

Your Self-Love Toolkit

If this post inspired you to take the next step on your path to self-discovery and change, download the Love in Practice: 5 Reflection Prompts for Self-Growth printable included in this Emotional Regulation Toolkit.

Inside this printable, you’ll find:

The Love Progress Report—Use this to identify areas of love in your life that need more care and intention. Track your growth throughout the month by completing a new one each week.
Mirror Check—Assess your inner dialogue with this timed 5-minute reflection activity. Repeat the activity at the end of the month and compare it with your first response to monitor your progress.

Meaningful Actions to Try:

Choose a time of day that works best for you to pause and reflect. Aim for consistency to make the habit stick. Don’t worry if you miss a day—you’ll still be making progress.
Practice mindfulness and self-forgiveness with the Daily Self-Love Check-In printable included in the Emotional Regulation Toolkit.

Book Recommendations:

Read more about ways to love yourself in this Cleveland Clinic article.

Building a Foundation of Love

Self-love frees us from the cycles of guilt and shame that fuel debilitating depression and anxiety.

However, we need to avoid the trap of overly commercialized self-love. The most powerful acts of love come from the heart, not from a store.

When we make mental wellness a priority and choose self-forgiveness over perfectionism, we uncover a gold mine of unconditional love that no one can take from us—as long as we continue to do the work.

Next week, we’ll explore how the way we love our children shapes how they learn to love themselves.

Thank you for reading! If this resonated with you, please comment and share this post with anyone who needs a reminder to give themselves more love and attention.

What the World Needs Now is Love: How Connection and Self-Compassion Strengthen Mental Health

Self-Love Isn’t Selfish: Daily Practices That Transform Mental Health