Love helps us thrive and keeps us going in the face of life’s challenges.
Studies show that love and mental health are deeply connected. A 2020 study highlighted the powerful impact of love on mental health and well-being. Researchers analyzed data from a longitudinal study of older adults in the Miami, Florida area, collected between 2006 and 2009. They found that both giving and receiving love were linked to increased positive emotions and reduced depressive moods among participants.
“They say you’re no one until you’re somebody to someone.” — Jess Glynne
For years, I bristled at that lyric from Jess Glynne’s song No One because I assumed she meant that happiness depended on having a romantic partner. However, the song never actually specifies whether she’s reaching out to a lover, a friend, a parent, or just anyone in general.
In truth, you can absolutely be somebody to your family, friends, coworkers, classmates, neighbors, or even to a stranger. You can even be somebody to yourself.
We often place too much emphasis on romantic love while undervaluing every other kind. We can’t always control if or when the right person comes along for dating or marriage, but we can choose to give and receive love in countless other ways.
This month’s theme will explore how we love:
- ourselves,
- the children in our lives,
- our friends, family members and acquaintances, and
- the unfamiliar people we cross paths with in daily life.
Every form of love plays a powerful role in keeping us healthy mentally and emotionally, but they all involve more than just words or feelings. True love requires action, and we need to practice it mindfully in each aspect of our lives.
To kick off this month’s theme, here’s a short video by BrainCraft that examines the link between happiness and love.
Love Yourself: Practicing Emotional Self-Care
You cannot love people the way they need to be loved if you do not love yourself first, and here’s why.
According to research, practicing self-love activates the part of the brain responsible for emotional regulation while calming the region that floods us with fear and anxiety. Emotional dysregulation narrows our focus to our own suffering and makes it harder to show compassion and empathy toward others.
Positive self-talk and self-care help reduce guilt, shame, and depression, giving us the emotional bandwidth to look beyond ourselves and connect more fully with the people around us. As the saying goes, self-care is not selfish.
People often make the mistake of thinking that self-love means constantly treating yourself to material things, but it goes far beyond that.
Self-love actually means…
- Being patient with yourself.
I have often found myself thinking, “I disappoint myself more than anyone else ever could.” ADHD makes me prone to making the same mistakes and reaping the same consequences over and over. Truthfully, that’s really the only consistent thing about me.
But am I really justified in thinking that honest mistakes are more disappointing than the intentional ways people have hurt me in the past? My self-criticism seems awfully hyperbolic and unfair when I think about it that way.
The next time you berate yourself or make a self-deprecating remark, take a step back and ask yourself why you deserve any less grace than the other imperfect people in your life.
2.) Being kind to yourself.
When we notice others struggling emotionally, we tend to be very quick to ask what’s causing them pain and how we can help. Are we as responsive to our own needs though?
Try viewing yourself as two people. One person puts on a brave face to go to work or take care of family responsibilities. The other person remains hidden from the world and guards all of your true thoughts and emotions. That person is your inner self.
Can you remember the last time you checked in with them?
When you find yourself unmotivated or emotionally low, ask yourself:
What’s wrong?
What can I do to help you feel better?
Then, give yourself permission to take care of your needs without guilt or shame.
Self-criticism doesn’t motivate. It paralyzes because it often pushes us even deeper into depression. My own negative self-talk sent me to inpatient treatment because I contemplated giving up on life to silence my inner bully.
This robbed me of precious time with my husband and kids, and I even missed my youngest child’s first day of preschool. I’ve since found that self-compassion and self-encouragement do a much better job of getting me back on track, and my mental health has improved exponentially.
If you ever find yourself wishing not to be here or thinking of harming yourself, please reach out to 988 by call, text, or chat. This lifeline truly saved me from getting lost in my darkest thoughts.
When in doubt, reach out.
Meaningful Acts of Self-Love:
- Keep a journal of your daily thoughts and emotions.
- Give yourself permission to rest.
- Forgive yourself for being imperfect, just like everyone else.
- Know your triggers, and take them seriously.
- Set healthy boundaries with people.
Read More:
🌿 Start Your Day with Self-Compassion—Check out the Daily Self-Love Check-in printable in this Emotional Regulation Toolkit.
Read more about ways to love yourself in this Cleveland Clinic article.
Well-Loved Children Become Emotionally Healthy Adults
Self-love can make or break mental health, and parents play a key role in shaping a child’s sense of self. We often grow up to treat ourselves the way our parents treated us.
Children who experience constant criticism and little recognition for what they do right often become adults who struggle with negative self-talk.
Before we get out the pitchforks for our parents, we need to remember that many of them inherited an unhealthy sense of self from their own parents. Emotional immaturity often gets passed down from generation to generation. Parents tend to default to the familiarity of their own childhood because they simply don’t know any other way of doing things.
How many times have you heard, “When I was a kid, parents used to do (x), and we turned out just fine?”
Millennials haven’t fared well when it comes to mental health, though. A 2018 survey ranked major depression as the fourth most common health condition affecting this generation.
So how can today’s parents avoid repeating the same pitfalls as Gen X and the Boomers when it comes to their children’s emotional well-being?
We can help our children develop a healthy sense of self-love and learn to emotionally regulate alongside them. We can love them the way we want to be loved: by acknowledging their efforts and strengths, disciplining with dignity, being quick to forgive their mistakes, and validating their feelings even when those feelings seem disproportionate to the situation.
Social media often promotes grand gestures and material things as the hallmarks of a good childhood, but the most impactful acts of love happen daily and require very little time and money.
The happiest children usually have parents who:
- Allow them to be kids, even when it’s messy or inconvenient.
- Let them express their thoughts and emotions without criticism or dismissal.
- Are honest about their own shortcomings and apologize when they make mistakes.
- Stay vigilant about the dangers that exist online and within their communities.
- Put their children’s physical, mental, and emotional needs ahead of their own.
- Discipline from a place of love, not anger.
- Set reasonable expectations and hold them accountable when they fall short.
Read More:
Watch this reassuring talk by Dr. Becky Kennedy if you’ve ever worried your moments of imperfection have damaged your child beyond repair.
Friendship and the Importance of Connection
It takes a village to keep our minds healthy.
A 2020 study found a strong link between frequent socialization and reduced symptoms of depression, even among individuals with genetic or environmental risk factors.
No one thrives in isolation. Even the most introverted people benefit from having a few quality relationships. This doesn’t mean your village has to be huge. A close family member, trusted friend, supportive romantic partner, or friendly coworker can have a tremendous impact on your mental health.
Building and maintaining healthy relationships requires love on our part. If we expect perfection from our romantic partner, family members, friends, coworkers, or classmates, we will always be disappointed and unmotivated to put any effort into keeping them in our lives. We need to let their positive qualities outshine their minor imperfections and mistakes.
After all, we want them to do the same for us.
That being said, the way you love the people in your village needs to be compatible with the way you love yourself. Make sure the people you choose to surround yourself with don’t trample all over the needs of your inner person.
Forgiveness means letting go of resentment to protect your own peace. It doesn’t mean giving people endless passes when they disrespect your boundaries.
Relationships flourish when both parties respect each other’s boundaries. If someone guilts you for setting limits, take a step back and consider if the relationship enhances your life or drains your energy.
Channel your time and energy into people who bring out the best in you. You get what you give in relationships. The most important way to maintain them seems simple, but it can be surprisingly difficult for those of us who struggle with our mental health.
It’s communication.
My ADHD makes it hard to remember to reach out. Most days feel like I’m living inside The Cat in the Hat, except I’m the Cat, the children, and the mother all at once.
I tell myself to keep things together throughout the day, and I do my best to comply because I really don’t want to have to answer to my inner critic later. Nevertheless, my whimsical mind comes up with all kinds of ideas that do everything but keep my life in order. It doesn’t help that my children play the roles of Thing 1, Thing 2, and Thing 3 spectacularly.
It takes everything to manage the chaos and put things back in order at the end of the day. That usually leaves me with just enough energy to listen to music, binge YouTube videos, read a book, or doomscroll (a habit I’m trying to break at the moment).
It sounds bad, but I feel they deserve the best version of me, not the shell that’s left by day’s end. Still, that’s not a good excuse to disappear. Sending a short text is better than letting weeks or months slip by without showing my friends and family that I care.
The world keeps everyone busy, but keeping the lines of communication open goes both ways. Why wait for others to check in when you can be the one to make the first move?
Let’s commit to carving out 5–10 minutes each day to nurture a relationship with someone outside our home. You don’t need to send lengthy messages or spend hours on the phone. Sometimes, it’s as simple as sharing a photo, video, song, or meme that you know will make them smile and remind them that they have a place in your heart.
Read More:
💬 Strengthen the Bonds That Matter—Check out the Tending Your Connections printable included in this Emotional Regulation Toolkit.
Read this article from the American Psychological Association to explore the science of friendship and its impact on mental-health.
Choosing Kindness in a Divided World
I won’t sugarcoat it: choosing love when it comes to people outside our village can be a real struggle these days. Hatred flows freely in the media and on the streets. It seems like everyone feels entitled to assert their own opinions and preferences with no regard for anyone else’s lived experience.
But does arguing actually change anyone’s mind? If anything, it hardens people into a fixed mindset and intensifies their animosity toward anyone who challenges their worldview.
The contentious nature of our society can often be traced back to an epidemic of emotional immaturity in Western culture. That may sound like an insult, but it’s actually quite tragic.
The Epidemic of Emotional Immaturity: What’s Really Going On?
Emotional immaturity frequently stems from traumatic experiences in childhood. Abuse and other forms of trauma can severely stunt a person’s inner child. This means someone may appear to function as an adult on the outside, yet emotionally remain frozen at the age they were when the trauma occurred.
The grown person throwing a tantrum in the checkout line might actually be a traumatized three-year-old trapped in a fifty-year-old body. Can you imagine how frightening and overwhelming it would be for a toddler to navigate adult life in today’s world?
Make no mistake: difficult and toxic people don’t get a pass from me for their decision to rain down terror on everyone around them. The law defines sanity as knowing the difference between right and wrong, and most of these people meet that definition. They still have control over their actions.
However, viewing disruptive people as traumatized children disguised as adults helps us become more objective about their behaviors. When we consider the possible roots of their outbursts or boundary-testing, we stop seeing them as threats to our pride.
My son, for instance, sometimes tries to punish me by calling me “the meanest person in the world.” I never take it personally because I understand it comes from the limited perspective of a child. I ignore the comment, and he calms down pretty quickly once he realizes he won’t get a reaction.
What if we extended that same mentality to the adults we encounter every day?
We can show love to strangers simply by refusing to trade negative energy for negative energy. Maybe that means saying nothing and walking away before an argument escalates. Maybe it means offering a genuine smile or wishing them well. Either way, a mild response often de-escalates tension because it’s unexpected.
Best case scenario: it reflects their behavior back to them and prompts a moment of self-reflection. Maybe next time, they’ll think twice before lashing out. You never know. Your gentle response may inspire them to start a healing journey of their own.
Dr. Lindsay Gibson helped me come to this realization. I highly recommend her books Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People for anyone who wants to better understand the psychology behind this type of behavior. Even those who grew up in emotionally healthy homes can gain valuable insight from her work.
Read More:
Brighten your world—and someone else’s—with this free Kindness Quest printable! Complete one row, column, or diagonal of random acts of kindness bingo-style, or challenge yourself to black out the entire board.
Create your own acts of kindness with a blank template included in the Emotional Regulation Toolkit.
For readers who want a quieter, more spacious way to practice these ideas, I gathered them into a self-paced course that unfolds gently over time.
Putting Love Into Practice
I won’t oversimplify things. Love and positivity take work.
People say “choose love” and expect you to just know how to do that. However, if you struggle with mental health like I do, then you understand why things can never be that simple.
How is someone who grew up in constant conflict supposed to know how to choose love especially when triggered?
How does someone who struggles with self-loathing suddenly choose self-love?
How exactly are we supposed to lovingly nurture relationships with others when some of us barely remember to drink water on a daily basis?
Truth be told, I am very much a work in progress in all of this, but I’m hoping that putting everything I’ve learned, and continue to learn, in one public space will keep me engaged in the process. Nothing would bring me more joy than inspiring someone else to take their own steps toward healing and growth.
If any of this resonated with you, I’d love for you to join me in spreading what this world needs now more than ever: love.
We’ll take it week by week, focusing on one area at a time. I encourage you to download the freebies and use them for daily reflection. You don’t have to become Mr. Rogers in 28 days (I certainly won’t). But if, by the end of the month, we’re putting just a little more love and care into ourselves and our relationships, we’ll be miles from where we started.
Maybe together, we can create a ripple effect and bring more people onto the path of growth and healing.
You can find all of the reflection prompts in the printable, Love in Practice: 5 Reflection Prompts for Self-Growth, included in this Emotional Regulation Toolkit. It’s designed to help you gauge your starting point and give you something meaningful to look back on as you measure your growth.
Thank you for reading. Feel free to share your thoughts and experiences in the comments, and be sure to subscribe so you’ll be notified when new content goes live.
Keep it kind, respectful, and focused on self-love and growth—let’s make this a safe, uplifting space. 🌿