Having spent the better part of two and a half weeks absorbed in the topic of love, I left for the grocery store one evening feeling totally exhilarated.
I’d taken actionable steps to improve my self-talk and strengthen my relationships, and that inner glow seemed to radiate outward. What started as a last-minute errand became an opportunity to practice love beyond the comfort of family and friends.
Normally, I try to avoid occupied aisles—not wanting to place myself in someone’s way or politely ask them to move so I can reach an item. However, this trip felt very different. This time I had the confidence to take up space and interact with others.
Finding Connection in Unexpected Places
On the hunt for recipe ingredients, I made my way to the baking aisle with a rare pep in my step.
Usually, this grocery store carries a steady supply of the baking mix I need. To my surprise, however, the recent holiday had nearly wiped the shelves clean.
I crouched all the way down to search the bottom shelf for an alternative and found a neat row of what I needed tucked all the way in the back and out of sight.
Jackpot!
Triumphant, I parked myself on the other side of the aisle to check the rest of my list.
I noticed a woman combing the same baking mix shelf. She had a cart full of ingredients similar to my own, so I pointed out the location of the hidden mix. She seemed really grateful for the help.
Feeling open and positive, I took a moment to make a small connection.
I asked if she planned to make the same recipe. This sparked a brief conversation about how excited our families get when we make it. I left the aisle even happier than I felt before.
Letting Kindness Ripple Forward
This goodwill followed me to the checkout lane.
I’d been waiting for a few minutes when a woman joined behind me. I noticed she had one item, so I offered her my position in line. She seemed to really appreciate that small act of kindness. It took nothing from me but infused a little positivity into her day.
I left the store with even more pep in my step and a natural grin on my face.
These moments might seem small and insignificant, but they each had a powerful effect on my mental wellness.
Before all of this, my fixation on the news cycle had created so much anxiety about public spaces.
After finally kicking my doomscrolling habit, these moments filled the cracks of cynicism that had started forming in my mind and heart. They also presented opportunities to practice empathy and kindness—looking beyond my own busyness to observe the needs of the people around me.
We’ll round out our monthly theme—love—by looking at ways we spread it beyond our inner world and relationships, and outward into our communities.
Start your own journey of self-discovery with the printable, Love in Practice: 5 Reflection Prompts for Self-Growth, included in this Emotional Regulation Toolkit.
Patience as a Practice of Love
My experiences in the grocery store wouldn’t have been possible without patience. If I had rushed through with tunnel vision, I would’ve missed these unexpected moments of connection.
Loving the people around us means being patient. What makes patience an act of love?
For one thing, patience shows concern for the lives of others—especially in traffic.
Have you ever had a close call with a driver who weaves in and out of lanes at high speeds?
I’ve had many, and it still terrifies me each time.
I don’t intend to lecture—just want to put things in perspective.
Driving impatiently might be tempting when we run late or end up behind a slow driver, but is it really fair to gamble with the lives of people we don’t know?
It only takes one minor miscalculation to change someone’s life forever.
I say this as someone who gets upset fairly easily in traffic.
Though I shy away from risky maneuvers, I still get pretty heated on the road if I’m in a hurry or in a bad mood.
Then, I had a moment in the car a few months ago that showed me the true impact of my morning brain work—a self-care routine I describe in my self-love post.
That morning, I found myself stuck in rush hour on the way up to babysit my nephew. Inching forward, my temper threatened to flare, but I remembered what I’d read that morning about patience.
I thought to myself, “Am I really going to do all that work this morning only to act out because of a little traffic? Besides, I still have plenty of time.”
How Mindful Breathing Changes the Moment
Ranting about the traffic in front of me wouldn’t have solved the problem. Worse, it risked stressing out my children.
Instead, I chose to use the time to practice a healthy coping skill. I breathed in deeply, held it, and slowly exhaled—repeating the process until I found my calm again.
I know some of you may be rolling your eyes at the idea of mindful breathing.
I used to think, I breathe all day without thinking about it—how is this supposed to help me in a meltdown?
Learning the science behind mindful breathing made me a true believer. W
hen we experience intense negative emotions like anger or fear, our nervous system produces a wave of stress hormones that activate the body’s fight-or-flight response—racing thoughts, muscle tension, and sometimes aggression.
However, it only takes about 90-seconds for all the chemicals to run their course—provided we don’t dwell on the thoughts that set off the reaction.
Focusing on slow, deliberate breathing patterns helps us break the train of thought long enough for our body to go back to a calmer state. This gives us the mental clarity needed to choose productive responses to stressful situations.
You can use other forms of distraction like singing at the top of your lungs or sucking on sour candy. Anything works as long as it doesn’t harm you or anyone else in the process.
Using the 90-Second Rule in Daily Life
Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor’s 90-second rule can also help us cope with other tests of patience—waiting in long lines, sitting in busy waiting areas, or dealing with difficult people.
Taking a moment to pause stops us from responding to others in unkind or even dangerous ways.
Check out the printable, My Patience Toolbox: Understanding Triggers + Choosing Better Responses, in this Emotional Regulation Toolkit. to help you understand your impatience triggers, tune into your body’s warning signs, and build a personalized toolbox of coping strategies.
Patience, Kindness, and the Love We Share
Patience slows us down enough to take notice of others and show love through acts of kindness. Good deeds elevate the moment for both the giver and the receiver.
When we do what we can to make someone’s day better, we show love for others—and even love for ourselves.
First, kindness promotes mental wellness. Research suggests that actions motivated by pure altruism can help to alleviate symptoms of anxiety and depression.
In last week’s post, I briefly discussed how episodes of depression and anxiety trap us in our own thoughts. Heavy emotions leave us with very little bandwidth to connect with others.
On the other hand, thoughtful acts of kindness require us to look beyond ourselves to notice someone else’s needs and wants—redirecting our attention from the negative thought patterns contributing to our emotional spiral.
Giving also helps us feel more connected to the people around us and elevates our mood.
My experience at the grocery store, for example, lifted my spirits more than I expected.
Positive interactions with others make us feel good about ourselves—and that confidence boosts our happiness.
To lighten things up a bit, let’s examine the psychology of kindness in the context of popular culture.
A Clueless Reminder: Kindness Is Contagious
If acts of kindness have such a profound impact on the giver, then imagine how much those on the receiving end benefit. Furthermore, one act of kindness often sets off a chain reaction.
This makes me think of a millennial classic—Clueless.
In the movie, a cranky debate teacher grades students’ assignments harshly—in their opinion.
After getting a C on her presentation, the protagonist, Cher Horowitz, decides that lonely Mr. Hall might lighten up if he had a girlfriend.
She sets her sights on the equally strict Ms. Geist as his perfect match.
Her matchmaking efforts pay off, and both teachers become more generous with their students.
What began as a self-serving act snowballs into further acts of kindness, and Cher learns how to be empathetic and genuinely charitable.
One act of kindness often generates a wave of kindness, moving the next person to pay it forward.
Simple, Drama-Free Ways to Practice Kindness
For the record, I don’t recommend meddling in anyone’s love life.
Try one of these simple, drama-free options instead.
Meaningful Acts of Kindness
Micro Acts
- Compliment a stranger—Your kind words could have a positive effect on their outlook.
- Hold a door open for someone—It only takes a few seconds.
- Make it a point to smile at people—It naturally lifts your mood because of the mind-body connection.
- Save someone’s car from an abandoned shopping cart—More people would do it if we made it the norm. (Read more about the psychology of shopping cart returns in this hilarious Behavioral Scientist article).
- Let a car merge in front of you—You’ll want someone to do the same for you down the road—literally.
Digital Kindness
- Leave a kind comment on social media—It might motivate others to do the same.
- Donate to Khan Academy, Readworks, or DonorsChoose.org—Donations support teachers and students by providing free resources.
- Support a local business by leaving a positive review—Reviews encourage them to continue providing quality service.
Community Care
- Donate to a domestic violence shelter, homeless shelter, or humane society—It’s helpful to check out an organization’s donation policy ahead of time.
- Pick up litter—It keeps your community clean and protects wildlife.
Make it a fun but gentle challenge with this free Kindness Quest printable—a calming, bingo-style activity filled with simple, meaningful acts of compassion.
If you want to come up with your own acts of kindness, use the Create-Your-Own version included in this Emotional Regulation Toolkit.
Choosing Love in a Stressed-Out World
Admittedly, the chaos of our current climate makes it incredibly challenging to be patient and kind when dealing with unfamiliar people.
Society moves at a fast pace, and most people seem to be struggling to keep up emotionally.
Mounting concerns about the economy and secondary trauma from the news cycle keep most people in a constant state of fight-or-flight. This makes them more prone to reacting harshly to even slight inconveniences or differences of opinion.
This simply explains the behavior.
It doesn’t excuse it.
With so many people on edge, it might be hard to picture ourselves being patient or kind to strangers.
True, we can’t control how other people respond to stress. We can control our own responses, though. We can choose love, even in difficult moments, if we prepare ourselves ahead of time.
Identify Your Triggers
First, we need to identify the things that activate our own stress response and figure out why we have such strong reactions to them. Ask yourself:
What situations tend to trigger me when I’m around other people?
What emotions am I usually feeling in that moment, and why?
Rude and aggressive drivers take me from calm to enraged in a matter of seconds. This heightened reactivity comes from my fear of getting into an accident—especially when I have my children in the car.
Most of the time I avoid engaging with other drivers, though more often than I’d like to admit, I’ve let my wrath flow freely in the privacy of my own vehicle.
It may not affect the other driver, but it definitely raises my blood pressure and puts me—and my little passengers—in a bad headspace.
Once we’ve fully examined the trigger, we can practice reframing our anticipated thoughts by focusing on the values we want to display at all times.
I want to be known as a kind person—so much so that I’ve filled the outer edges of my rear window with all kinds of positive stickers.
I also want my children to be kind. They look to me as their example—so what might they take away from my tirades?
This brings us back to the 90-second rule of self-regulation mentioned earlier. We can calm our nervous system fairly quickly when we pause and redirect our attention to something else.
Remembering our values in difficult situations shifts our focus and disrupts the flow of stress hormones in our body. This puts us in a calmer state of mind to exercise patience and avoid escalation.
We should also consider if our feelings line up with the facts of the situation. My anger would be understandable if the driver had actually hit my car. Since that didn’t happen, I need to bring my mind back to the reality of the situation.
I can start by naming my real emotion.
Name the Real Emotion Beneath the Reaction
Why does reckless driving bother me so much?
Digging deeper, I realize it comes from trauma. Near misses with other drivers take me back to the car crash I survived at the age of fifteen. The thought of it happening again—and with my own children in the car—scares me.
Angry words won’t help me feel better, but calm, reassuring words will.
Since that surge of aggression stems from fear, I need to remind myself that the danger has passed. So I could say to myself:
“I was scared, but I’m safe now.”
This grounding statement brings calm and comforting thoughts front and center—nudging the aggressive thoughts to the back of my mind.
Repeating it consistently will eventually transform my automatic response from something negative to something productive.
You can create a grounding statement for any situation. It just needs to be memorable and kind.
Make Sure Your Grounding Statement Actually Works
To check its effectiveness ask yourself:
Will I be able to remember this under stress?
Would this comfort someone else?
Healthy coping strategies like grounding statements help bring our inward healing outward. Regularly practicing these skills gives us the inner calm needed to show love to everyone we meet—even when some people make it a little more challenging.
A Tool to Help You Practice
To help you find your inner calm, I’ve designed a printable called Preparing for Tough Moments in Public. It’s included in this Emotional Regulation Toolkit. This resource gently guides you through the process of identifying and understanding your triggers. You can use these insights to write your own grounding statements. I hope this tool gives you the confidence to choose love even in stressful situations.
Next Steps for Your Self-Discovery Journey
Meaningful Actions to Try:
- Identify your impatience triggers and tune into your body’s early warning signs. Use these insights to explore healthy coping strategies. The My Patience Toolbox: Understanding Triggers + Choosing Better Responses printable included in this Emotional Regulation Toolkit can help you organize your thoughts.
- Find simple ways to show kindness to people in your community. The free Kindness Quest printable makes it fun and gentle. If you’d like to brainstorm your own acts of kindness, there’s also a Create-Your-Own version included in the Emotional Regulation Toolkit.
- Plan ahead to choose love by identifying your high-stress moments and naming the real emotion you tend to feel in those situations. Reflect on the values that matter most to you and write a grounding statement you can rely on when difficult moments arise. The Preparing for Tough Moments in Public printable included in my Emotional Regulation Toolkit offers guided questions to support this reflection.
Book Recommendation:
- Self-Directed Skills DBT Workbook by KiKi Fehling, PhD, and Elliot Weiner, PhD—This 12-week workbook expands on the same emotional regulation skills discussed in this post. The authors explain the science behind each concept and offer practical exercises to help you apply the skills throughout the week.
Practicing Love Beyond Our Inner World
If you take one thing away from this month’s theme, I hope it’s this: love in all its forms starts with you.
Showing love to the people around you involves patience and kindness. This can be tough in times like these. Financial pressure and political instability fuel chronic anxiety, and people often respond in ways that make it harder to be patient and kind.
A consistent routine of self-reflection can help you create a toolbox of coping strategies. These tools make it easier to choose love—even during stressful interactions. Self-regulation skills—like mindful breathing and grounding statements—help by disrupting reactive thought patterns before they lead to decisions that don’t align with your values.
Thankfully, it only takes 90 seconds for your body to process stress hormones that activate the fight-or-flight response and heighten impulsivity.
With consistent practice, you can rewire your brain to choose a response rooted in love and understanding instead of anxiety or defensiveness.
Learning how to calm your nervous system gives you the emotional bandwidth to notice other people’s practical and emotional needs. This might even move you to show love through your actions. Simple yet impactful acts of kindness allow you to spread the warmth of self-love outward—from your children, to your family and friends, to the strangers you cross paths with every day.
Thank you for reading! I appreciate your continued support. Sharing my journey with you has kept me present and grounded in my own healing.
I’ve learned so much about the connection between love and mental wellness, and it would bring me so much joy to know this inspired you to deepen the love you have for yourself and others.
I’d love to hear about your own experiences in the comments.
Speaking of joy, did you know that research suggests happiness can boost your immune system and may even help you live longer?
Find out more in my introduction to next month’s theme: joy. If you’d like to follow along, subscribe to get an email when that post goes live.
Keep it kind, respectful, and focused on self-love and growth—let’s make this a safe, uplifting space. 🌿