To kickstart this month’s theme of joy, I introduced the Dashwood sisters from Jane Austen’s Sense and Sensibility.
While her sister Marianne experiences life moment to moment, Elinor displays an emotional steadiness that allows her to endure hardship and navigate challenging social situations without losing her composure.
Her story begins with a reversal of fortune. Her father dies unexpectedly, leaving the estate to her distant half-brother, John.
He and his elitist wife, Fanny, relegate Elinor, Marianne, and their mother to guest status in the home that once served as their family haven. Fanny invites her brother, Edward Ferrers, to stay with them at the estate where he and Elinor meet for the first time.
When Fanny sees the potential for romance between the two, she makes passive-aggressive comments implying that Elinor sees Edward as nothing more than an opportunity for wealth.
While Elinor remains calm, her mother reacts with indignation and makes the decision to move her daughters far away from their childhood home. Elinor sees the practicality of the decision and chooses acceptance instead of protest.
Though heartbroken on the inside, Elinor focuses on helping her mother and sisters settle into their new life.
Throughout the novel she shows remarkable restraint when dealing with difficult and, in some cases, malicious people.
This comes not from a place of passivity, but from emotional endurance.
She feels her emotions deeply, but she knows that regulating them appropriately will help her make the best of her circumstances.
This week we’ll examine how Elinor’s example can help us show up for our loved ones in uncertain times and keep calm when others provoke us—with or without intention.
When Empathy Interrupts Rumination
Elinor’s empathetic nature helps her avoid ruminating on her lack of true connection. For example, she puts her grief to the side to take care of Marianne when she becomes gravely ill.
This isn’t a case of self-erasure. It’s an act of self-control and a safeguard against depression.
Jane Austen makes this point clear by contrasting Elinor’s steadiness with Marianne’s inability to shift her focus away from despair. She dwells on her misery—becoming increasingly withdrawn and neglecting herself to the point of near death.
This juxtaposition highlights the importance of empathy and compassion in emotional regulation.
Last month, I discussed how depression can create barriers to connection.
When we fixate on our problems, we lose our joy and often spiral into an emotional low. Our thoughts become centered on our pain, making it hard to connect with people on the outside. Shifting our focus to the needs of others can temporarily distract us from the negative thoughts pulling us inward.
That being said, the goal isn’t to abandon those emotions without resolution. We need to acknowledge them, process them, and release them in a healthy way to truly stabilize.
Still, a momentary pause calms our nervous system enough to address them productively instead of impulsively.
I explain the relationship between rumination and the nervous system more thoroughly in the post: Love That Ripples Outward: How Patience, Kindness, and Emotional Regulation Support Your Mental Wellness.
Redirecting Rumination Through Compassion
If you find yourself overwhelmed by inner turmoil, try to look for opportunities to display empathy and compassion toward others. Here are some ideas to get you started.
- Reach out to people who often get overlooked.
Do you have a grandparent or an elderly neighbor who might like some company?
Spending time with them can benefit both parties.
Studies suggest that loneliness and isolation increase the risk of hospitalization, cognitive decline, and dementia in people 65 and older.
You can help them stay healthy by making sure they’re getting proper socialization.
It doesn’t have to be long. Even a fifteen-minute chat can be enough to make them feel connected.
Taking time to check in with them not only helps you redirect your attention, but it may also provide you with an opportunity to receive valuable insight.
Too often, we dismiss the perspective of older people as being outdated or even annoying, but who’s more qualified to give advice than someone who has weathered life’s ups and downs for nearly a century?
They may not be our go-to for tech advice, but they know their stuff when it comes to what to do and not to do in relationships and careers. Honor their life experience by letting them teach you.
They might even tell you the very thing you need to hear to regain your joy.
- Make something for a friend, family member, or acquaintance.
Gift giving requires us to carefully consider the needs and wants of others. A handmade gift takes it a step further by keeping our minds occupied with planning and using our skills to make something with care and intention.
For example, I like to bake for my friends and family. It forces me to be mindful because the results tend to be disastrous when I go through the steps on autopilot.
With other people’s tastebuds on the line, I carefully measure out ingredients and double check each step. I get excited when it turns out well and I have a delicious treat ready to brighten someone’s day.
You don’t have to be a good baker or crafty to give someone a gift. These simple gift ideas can be just as effective in showing someone how much you really care.
- Mail a thoughtful handwritten letter or a bundle of short notes labeled “Open when you need encouragement”
- Fill a jar with shared memories, inside jokes, or reasons you appreciate the person
- Make a sugar scrub or bath salts to encourage self-care
- Curate a playlist of songs that remind you of them or connect to their current season of life—formerly known as mixtapes or burned CDs
Taking the time to make a thoughtful gift not only brings joy to both the giver and recipient but strengthens connection as well. It also gives us something productive to do in times when we need to step outside our inner world to let negative emotions settle.
Update: This is a Positivity Jar my friend recently gave me.
It may look simple at first glance, but it’s filled with positive reminders and gentle reflection prompts.
I’ve found myself returning to it during stressful moments, and even noticing it on my desk has become a quiet reminder of the care behind it—and of the person who made it for me.
If you’re looking for a meaningful, handmade gift, I’ve linked her site here.
This free printable Redirecting Rumination Through Compassion can help you plan ways to show compassion without overextending yourself.
Assuming Good Intent Without Ignoring Harm
Connection helps us find joy, but we need acceptance and understanding to navigate personal differences without losing it.
Austen exemplifies this in her characterization of Elinor Dashwood, a young woman who “possessed a strength of understanding, and coolness of judgment.”
This aspect of empathy helps Elinor remain cordial instead of getting upset about minor slights.
Mrs. Jennings, for example, talks a lot and comes off as “rather vulgar” at times. When dining with the Dashwoods for the first time, she jokingly speculates about Elinor’s love life and pretends to see her blush in front of the other guests.
While Marianne becomes “vexed at it for her sister’s sake,” Elinor dismisses Mrs. Jennings’ remarks as good-humored teasing. She tolerates Mrs. Jennings’ intrusiveness throughout the novel because she understands that she means no harm.
Elinor’s interactions with Mrs. Jennings highlight the importance of openness and curiosity in maintaining healthy relationships. Our assumptions about other people’s intentions lead us to become easily offended, making it difficult to get along with others.
We all have moments where we unintentionally annoy someone or hurt their feelings. We want others to see past our own imperfect moments, so we should be willing to do the same.
Similar to Mrs. Jennings, some people make jokes that just don’t land well. In those moments we should ask ourselves:
Is this joke actually harmful?
Is my reaction being fueled by actual facts or personal judgments?
Is this judgment based on their patterns of behavior—or my current emotional state or insecurities?
Some jokes do promote harmful ideas or mask malicious intent. Still, we can avoid unnecessary friction by clarifying the intent behind them.
Some people simply lack cultural awareness. Others learned to cope with difficult situations with humor that just doesn’t resonate with the average person. Neurodivergence can also cause jokes to get lost in translation. We really have no way of knowing without directly addressing our concerns.
If you decide to bring it up, make sure you’re in a calm state. Confrontation often leads to defensiveness that hardens people to feedback.
Ask questions instead of making accusations, and listen with the intention of understanding their perspective. This increases the likelihood of them listening to your point of view.
For jokes that simply annoy us, we need to evaluate if we’re responding to a pattern of behavior or interpreting the situation based on our current mood or insecurities.
If someone in our circle consistently makes jokes at our expense, then it may be time to have a respectful discussion about boundaries. Still, we need to consider the possibility that our reaction has more to do with our inner turmoil than the other person’s words or actions.
Openness and self-awareness promote harmonious relationships and keep us from getting drawn into negativity that may lead us to isolate instead of seeking connection with others.
I’ve designed this reflective worksheet Clarifying Your Reaction: Pattern, Mood, or Insecurity? to help you slow down and make sense of difficult social interactions.
Emotional Steadiness in the Face of Hostility
Sometimes our joy can be tested by people who do intend to hurt us with their words or actions. Elinor Dashwood’s example shows how we can remain steady in the face of hostility.
After gracefully enduring Fanny’s implicit attacks on her character, Elinor once again finds herself dealing with passive aggression from Edward’s fiancee, Lucy Steele.
Lucy disingenuously befriends Elinor after someone—likely Edward—speaks highly of her.
She exploits Elinor’s emotional restraint, obligating her to listen as she describes her engagement in great detail. Elinor fulfills her role as compulsory confidante “with a composure of countenance which did not give her listener any encouragement to proceed.”
Elinor avoids escalation by refusing to reward Lucy’s efforts with a reaction. Unfortunately, Lucy’s subtle attacks persist and intensify over time.
Yet, Elinor “bore it with firmness” and acceptance of the situation.
This minimizes the impact and helps her maintain her dignity until the situation reaches its satisfying resolution.
Lucy’s manipulative behaviors reveal her emotional immaturity. Though Austen makes no excuses for her cruelty, she does give readers enough information to infer that these calculated behaviors stem from insecurity and scarcity.
“I have no fortune, and I have no expectations of any kind.”
Fear and insecurity drive Lucy’s ruthless behavior—not empowerment.
When we look at it that way, it becomes easier to understand how Elinor can maintain the upper hand emotionally.
Do you have a Lucy Steele in your life?
Maybe it’s a family member, a neighbor, or a colleague that you’re obligated to share space with.
Admittedly, it can be a challenge to remain calm when others try to provoke us, but we can overcome this by viewing these interactions objectively.
First, we can prepare ahead of time by looking at patterns of behavior and anticipating what the person may say or do in certain situations. We should use facts—not judgments—to plan productive ways to avoid or cope with combative behavior.
For example, if a coworker or neighbor has a tendency to bring up topics that make you uncomfortable, you might consider ways to limit their access to you. You could take different routes or change your arrival and departure times.
When avoidance isn’t an option, though, we can be ready by rehearsing a scripted response ahead of time.
This may feel awkward or unnecessary, but oftentimes antagonistic people count on us becoming flustered in the moment.
This can cause us to shut down completely or behave in a way that undermines our credibility. Anticipating these tactics removes the element of surprise and gives us time to craft careful responses that address the behavior without compromising our dignity.
True, we can’t predict every hurtful remark or action.
Despite our best efforts, we may still find ourselves caught off guard.
In those instances, we need to shift into the role of an objective spectator. This involves narrating the behavior to ourselves in nonjudgmental language.
“She has acknowledged my boundary by saying ‘I know how you feel,’ yet continues to discuss the topic anyway.”
Naming the behavior in strictly factual terms keeps us engaged without fueling negative emotions.
It can also highlight the instability of their behavior, making them seem less threatening to us. This reduces our urge to act impulsively.
We may not be able to control the actions of others, but we can defend our joy by denying emotional access to anyone trying to steal it.
This Protecting Your Joy Around Willfully Hurtful People printable includes guided reflection prompts that can help you anticipate difficult interactions, set boundaries, and respond with dignity instead of reactivity.
Next Steps for Your Self-Discovery Journey
If you’re ready to explore what joy looks like in your life right now, start with this Joy Readiness Toolkit. I designed it to help you understand how you experience joy, regulate your emotions, and stay aligned with your values in daily life.
Meaningful Actions to Try:
- Redirect rumination by showing compassion to others. This reflective worksheet Redirecting Rumination Through Compassion can help you think about realistic ways to show compassion to someone in need.
- Think about assumptions that might be influencing your reactions to others. Use this Clarifying Your Reaction: Pattern, Mood, or Insecurity printable to help you process difficult social interactions to determine if you need to set boundaries or work through negative emotions.
- Plan ahead for interactions with people who seek to provoke you. This worksheet Protecting Your Joy Around Willfully Hurtful People can guide you through the process of anticipating disarming behaviors and finding ways to avoid these interactions or respond with intention.
Book Recommendation
- Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen (This novel is in the public domain. I’m linking to a free, legal copy through Project Gutenberg so anyone can read along without barriers. You’re welcome to use any edition or format that works best for you.)
Making Room for Joy
Through her characterization of Elinor Dashwood, Jane Austen demonstrates multiple approaches to emotional regulation that ultimately lead to a joyful conclusion. We learn that empathy and compassion for others can keep us from getting lost in despair. Understanding helps us avoid becoming easily offended when people unintentionally slight us. In cases of willful disrespect, we can stay grounded by objectively assessing the situation and planning our responses ahead of time when possible.
Like Elinor, we can endure heartbreak and injustice without sacrificing our dignity or healthy connections. When we use intentional coping strategies to navigate challenging situations, we leave room for joy to enter—and remain—in our lives.
Thank you for reading. If this post resonated with you, share it with anyone who needs a gentle reminder that joy is possible even in times of hardship. Subscribe to my blog if you’d like to have weekly posts delivered straight to your inbox.
Keep it kind, respectful, and focused on self-love and growth—let’s make this a safe, uplifting space. 🌿