“My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.”—commonly misattributed to Michel de Montaigne
A few weeks ago, the worst thing that could happen in a preteen homeschooler’s social life happened to my daughter.
Her new friend suddenly ghosted her because she had taken a joke too far. She tried to clear up the misunderstanding in a series of frantic text messages to no avail.
She had blown up a blossoming friendship by simply being herself—an energetic girl who loves telling silly jokes. There went her chance to actually have a social life.
I hadn’t seen her that upset in a while. She normally lets disappointment slide right off her, but this time she’d been so close to having the one thing she missed since leaving the traditional classroom—friendship.
I asked her to take me through what happened. My first question was, “Are you sure her phone didn’t die?”
We spent the next few minutes discussing other possibilities. I’d been in the middle of gently explaining why we need to be careful with sarcasm when her phone rang.
She hadn’t ruined her friendship after all. Her friend’s phone had, in fact, died. She’d been grieving something that happened in her imagination. As it turns out, she’s on the phone as I write this.
Truthfully, I saw myself in her experience.
How many times as adults have we found ourselves spiraling when a text message goes unanswered, we’ve Googled new symptoms, or our supervisor asks to see us in their office?
Our body has detected a threat and activates its fight-or-flight response. Our heart races, our breath quickens, and our muscles tense up.
It feels as if we’re walking into lion territory, fearing an ambush at any moment.
As frustrating as it seems, this is actually a sign that our nervous system is working as intended—scanning for danger and preparing our body to respond.
Fortunately, we can regain our sense of inner peace by signaling to our body that it’s actually safe from danger. In today’s post, we’ll examine the things that keep our nervous system on high alert and lower our threshold for peace.
When Protection Turns Into Panic
Two things that work against us in maintaining inner peace are worry and anxiety.
You might be thinking, “Aren’t worry and anxiety the same thing?”
I thought so too, but it turns out they’re more like cousins than siblings.
Worry comes from our brain’s command center—the prefrontal cortex. It’s thinking about all the things that could go wrong and anticipating our emotions around the situation—like my daughter’s heartbreak over the friendship she hadn’t ruined.
Anxiety, on the other hand, is triggered by our brain’s enforcement agency—the limbic system. These parts of the brain scan for danger and move our bodies into action when alerted.
Though they originate from different parts of the brain, worry and anxiety both have a tendency to disturb our inner peace.
The unpredictable nature of this world naturally leads us to fixate on worst case scenarios. Our brain is just trying to protect us from calamity. This isn’t a bad thing if we use worrying as a springboard for action.
Once we become aware of a potential problem, we can do our best to redirect our thoughts from a spiral to possible solutions.
For example, last year we saw the devastating effects of a wildfire that swept through Los Angeles and two deadly tornado outbreaks in the central and southeastern US. In light of these events, it’s reasonable to worry about the possibility of experiencing a natural disaster ourselves.
Fortunately, we can take steps to prepare ahead of time by making a family emergency plan and putting together a disaster supplies kit. This puts a measure of control back in our hands and shifts our attention to positive outcomes—survival—over negative ones.
Sometimes our nervous system isn’t activated by conscious thoughts, however.
When people talk about being triggered, they’re usually referring to moments when their body automatically reacts to a present experience in a heightened state.
Case in point, every year around certain holidays I notice people urging their community to avoid using firecrackers out of respect for veterans. Why?
When we endure a traumatic event, our limbic system reviews the details of the incident and looks for patterns to help us avoid similar dangers in the future. Veterans who experience PTSD subconsciously learned to associate loud noises—like firecrackers—with active threats.
This can activate an immediate fight-or-flight response. Their heart races, and they may hyperventilate. In the context of battle these responses make perfect sense. A rapid heart rate increases blood flow, supplying the brain and muscles with the oxygen needed to battle an enemy or run for cover.
Though helpful in combat, it can be incredibly disruptive in a regular setting. We often refer to these episodes as panic attacks.
You don’t need to have a trauma history to experience the consequences of a hypervigilant nervous system, though. Many struggle with generalized anxiety for numerous reasons—including environmental factors like lack of sunlight exposure or poor work-life balance.
Grounding techniques help calm our nervous system by bringing our mind back to the safety of the present.
Here are some simple practices that can bring your mind back to the present:
- Engaging the senses with visuals, music, calming scents, textured objects, or strong flavors.
- Listing as many items in a specific category as possible—animals, countries, desserts, etc.
- Saying a grounding statement like, “I am safe right now.”
Take a moment to calm your nervous system with this peaceful melody:
We can also go one step further by practicing mindfulness every day.
Though many associate mindfulness with meditation, it’s actually an umbrella term that incorporates a variety of practices. Dr. Russ Harris describes it as “a process of awareness. It involves paying attention to experience in the moment as opposed to being caught up in thoughts.”
This can be done by observing physical sensations throughout your body or immersing yourself in an activity like walking or baking.
When we incorporate mindfulness into our daily routine, we can help our nervous system find a healthy baseline and conserve energy for true emergencies.
When Protection Becomes Distortion
Another feature of our nervous system that can interfere with our inner peace is negativity bias—our brain’s tendency to pay closer attention to negative details than positive ones.
This phenomenon plays a role in all our terrible misfortunes that never happened. It’s also why a number of influencers resort to rage bait to increase engagement with their content.
We’re often advised to just focus on the positive and ignore the negative. Yet, this well-intentioned advice can be more discouraging than motivating because our brains just aren’t wired that way.
As strange as it may seem, negativity bias actually serves a purpose.
If you’ve ever undergone a successful surgery with minimal complications, you can thank your surgeon’s dorsal anterior cingulate.
This part of the brain detects mistakes and potential pitfalls. It also pays close attention to pain. When there’s a problem, it alerts the amygdala—the chief commander of fear, worry, and anxiety.
This is good when we have an important task to do—like saving someone’s life. It’s not so great when our text messages go unanswered, and our mind immediately assumes we’ve lost a friend.
Our nervous system isn’t only trying to avoid mistakes. It also wants to protect us from disappointment. This is why optimism can be difficult to achieve and maintain.
For example, in a past article I discussed how excessive doomscrolling impacted my attitude toward strangers.
When I was younger, I loved meeting new people because I viewed these encounters as opportunities for connection.
Over time, however, exposure to humanity’s worst traits in the news cycle taught my brain that interactions with unfamiliar people should be avoided as much as possible.
No eye contact. Just get in and get out.
Was that a rational assumption and course of action, though?
Maybe—if I found myself walking down a dark alley at night—but not so much in the brightly lit aisles of a grocery store.
Now that I’ve limited my news intake to the bulleted summaries in my daily digest, I realize that positive and neutral interactions tend to outnumber negative ones. I can give people the benefit of the doubt until they give me a logical reason for caution.
Focusing on the positive and tuning out the negative does contribute to our sense of inner peace, but it’s not a simple process.
It takes real effort to think positive because our brain’s job is to tune into the negative to keep us safe.
True, some people have an easier time being optimistic than others, but that may just come down to life circumstances or genetics.
If you find it challenging to think positive, you aren’t alone. It can be really hard to see the upside of life when you have financial struggles, trauma, or mental illness clouding your view.
You don’t need to transform yourself into a glass half-full type of person overnight. You can start by incorporating one intentional moment of positivity into your day.
Here are a few ideas for inspiration:
- Jot down one thing you accomplished today—even if it was just getting yourself out of bed.
- Revisit a happy memory with a photo or video.
- List two to three good things that could happen to you in the future—making a new friend, finding a new hobby, or nailing that presentation at work.
On the surface, these practices may not seem like they’re doing much, but they’re actually activating the parts of your brain that help quiet your amygdala.
Nonetheless, even with positive thinking rituals in place, there will still be times when your amygdala gets out of sync and sends you into a negative thought spiral.
It doesn’t mean you failed at being positive. It means your nervous system needs some redirection to restore order to your inner world.
When the Brain Chooses Efficiency Over Change
Another way our brain supports our survival is by forming habits. Unfortunately, overachievement in this area can also become disruptive in the wrong contexts.
At the time of writing, marketers are inundating me with ads and email campaigns for weight loss programs.
As annoying as it can be, they know most of us associate a new year with new habits—new year, new me.
This will be the year I learn to eat better and stick to a strength training routine.
This will be the year I get my life organized.
Most of us start the year with the best intentions, but statistics indicate that more often than not we abandon these goals relatively early into the year.
For example, a health survey conducted by Forbes found that participants stuck to their resolutions for 3.74 months on average.
If you’ve ever fallen short of a goal or lifestyle change, then you know how discouraging this can be. You may have dismissed yourself as a failure and criticized your lack of willpower.
Would you feel better if I told you that the subconscious part of your brain may have decided to abandon the goal without your permission?
Let’s say after reading this you decide to work on positive thinking. Your prefrontal cortex says, “Yes! This is in your best interest.”
That’s great, but you’ll need the automatic parts of your brain to cooperate for this to work—especially your nucleus accumbens and dorsal striatum.
The nucleus accumbens will motivate you to do what feels good. It’ll keep you on track as long as it’s being supplied with dopamine.
The dorsal striatum, on the other hand, prefers to just keep doing things the same way. It’s the part of the brain most likely to resist your efforts.
You’ll be able to act in alignment with your goal as long as your prefrontal cortex stays in charge, but sometimes it’s disrupted by something your amygdala perceives to be a threat.
Maybe it fears starvation because you haven’t eaten in a while, or maybe you’re getting sick.
In times like these, your dorsal striatum steps in and directs you to follow well-ingrained habits when making decisions.
Instead of writing down a positive thought before bed, it’s going to decide to do whatever you used to do before bed instead. It just requires much less bandwidth.
This is one of the reasons progress tends to follow a nonlinear path. It’s easier to choose positivity when everything in your body is stable, but it’s much harder when your nervous system goes on high-alert.
Does this mean there’s no point in making goals?
Not at all. It means we don’t need to guilt ourselves for falling short some days.
So you doomscrolled after a particularly stressful day at work?
Forgive yourself, take care of yourself, and start fresh tomorrow. Self-criticism only keeps your nervous system in chaos longer and makes it harder to find the motivation to get back on track.
We don’t struggle to make changes because we lack willpower. Our brain is just wired to prioritize efficiency over change in times of high stress.
Next Steps for Your Self-Discovery Journey
If you’re ready to explore what peace looks like in your life right now, start with this Peace Readiness Toolkit. I designed it to help you understand how you experience peace, regulate your emotions, and stay aligned with your values in daily life.
Gentle Ways to Apply This:
- Notice what your nervous system is responding to the next time you feel worried or anxious. This free printable, When Protection Turns Into Panic, prompts you to slow down and observe physical stress signals without judgment—so you have the option to choose regulation over self-criticism.
- Set a goal to practice one intentional moment of positivity every day. Give yourself grace if you miss a day or two. Use this free gentle reflection, When Protection Becomes Distortion, to help you restore balance when you feel your perspective shift toward negativity.
- Investigate what your nervous system needs in order to build new habits. This free worksheet When the Brain Chooses Efficiency Over Change can help you understand why progress is not linear.
Reading Recommendation
- The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time by Alex Korb, PhD
Additional Inspiration
Reassurance Before Resolution
Inner peace starts with our nervous system. When we feel worried or anxious, it means our amygdala needs reassurance that our body is safe. Our tendency to pay closer attention to negative details than positive ones isn’t a failing on our part. It’s our nervous system trying to help us correct errors and avoid disappointment.
Focusing on positivity takes effort, and it isn’t as simple as people often make it out to be.
The prefrontal cortex plays a vital role in making positive changes, but it doesn’t function as well when our nervous system goes on high alert. That’s when the automatic part of our brain takes over and directs us toward old habits.
The next time you feel overwhelmed or self-critical, pause and check in with your nervous system. Once you’ve given it some love and care, it’ll start working with you instead of against you.
Thank you for reading. If this post resonates with you, please share it with anyone who needs a reminder to be gentle with themselves.
What strategies do you use to calm your nervous system?
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Keep it kind, respectful, and focused on self-love and growth—let’s make this a safe, uplifting space. 🌿