You’ve been married to the love of your life for 26 years. After years of hard work and saving, your dream of owning a home is about to come true.
With enough money in the bank for a down payment, you and your husband reach out to a realtor and start touring properties.
A small but cozy home with red shingles captures your heart, so you decide to put in an offer. You soon get a call from your realtor—the sellers have accepted!
This joy is short-lived when your beloved husband dies from a heart attack that very same day.
The money that was set aside to purchase your first home is used to buy a grave plot, headstone, and engraved bench.
You try to keep your life on track—battling the urge to stay in bed to go to work every morning—but to no avail. Your grief spirals into debilitating depression.
Your job performance suffers, and your employer decides to let you go.
With no income, the bills start piling up. It’s getting harder to make your rent payment.
You know your finances are in dire straits. You could reach out for help, but you feel immobilized by your sudden loss.
You retreat further into yourself until you’re served with a notice of eviction. You’re now homeless and forced to find a means of survival.
To protect your pride, you volunteer at a food kitchen that allows you to eat as well.
Still, the thought of sleeping at a shelter just doesn’t sit well with you.
When night falls, you make your way to the place where your beloved sleeps soundly.
Settling in on the bench that bears his memory, you fall asleep with nothing but the night sky over your head.
You endure this for nearly a year—certain that you will soon join your husband due to the frigid winter conditions.
One morning, a police officer approaches your husband’s snow-covered grave. He’d received reports about your whereabouts and came to investigate. You share the circumstances that led up to you making this cemetery your home.
Moved by your heartbreaking situation, he checks you into a hotel as a warm place to stay while he finds a more long-term arrangement. He goes on the hunt for community resources and connects you with people willing to help.
This is the true story of 55-year-old Rhea Holmes and Syracuse Police Officer Jamie Pastorello.
“…I wasn’t going to let Rhea sleep outside again. A complete turnaround, you know, in 20 days, she went from sleeping on the cold, hard ground in a cemetery, to her own home.”
Thanks to Pastorello’s kindness and a nonprofit organization called A Tiny Home for Good, Rhea Holmes now has a safe place to continue healing.
In a time when hatred and violence dominate the headlines, kindness and compassion matter more than ever—for giver and receiver alike.
Being kind vs being nice is a distinction worth making—not to split hairs, but to help us choose compassion with intention in a world that rewards indifference.
Being Kind vs Being Nice: What’s Actually Different
A common misconception is that being nice is the same as being kind. Though similar in connotation, niceness and kindness differ in depth and, in some cases, motivation.
Niceness is superficial politeness while kindness stems from a deep desire to help others.
For example, if you’ve ever bought a car from a dealership, you probably know the drill. The salesperson compliments you, wants to know all about your life story, or laughs at all your jokes.
To be fair, maybe you do have a riveting back story or a sense of humor fit for a comedy special, but it’s important to note that their sales commission depends on your level of satisfaction.
Rudeness isn’t exactly the best motivator for getting people to sign up for six years of car payments.
On the other hand, let’s say that your best friend has tagged along for this test drive.They’re well aware of your spending habits and financial limitations.
You go in with every intention of sticking to your strict budget, but the salesperson has planted visions of heated seats and satellite radio in your head.
When the salesperson steps away, your friend takes a moment to talk you back down to earth.
You live in Florida and can’t even remember the last time you listened to anything other than your curated streaming app. The features you’re so excited about do not justify adding another $200 to your monthly payment.
Though your friend’s words aren’t as flattering, their intention is to help you avoid future financial strain—something the salesperson isn’t incentivized to think about.
The salesperson is simply being nice while your friend has been truly kind—even if it doesn’t feel that way at the moment.
This isn’t to say that every nice person is trying to get something from you. Some people are just pleasant and agreeable by nature.
For others, though, being nice is a nervous system response rooted in trauma.
To them, niceness means safety and attachment.
Fawning, or people-pleasing, is one of four primary trauma reactions: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn.
Children who grow up with physically or emotionally abusive parents, for example, often default to being helpful or selfless because their brain associates these traits with survival.
Their nervous system learns that if they can’t fight, flight, or freeze, the only other option is to keep the abuser happy by:
- going above and beyond to accommodate
- avoiding conflict as much as possible
- apologizing for everything—even when they’ve done nothing wrong
- over-empathizing
- not setting boundaries
- ignoring their own needs and desires.
The problem with these behaviors is that they can lead to self-erasure, burnout, simmering rage, and mental health disorders like anxiety, depression, and C-PTSD. Maintaining meaningful relationships can also be a challenge because of the unintentional absence of authenticity.
If you notice these behaviors in yourself, you’re not alone. I, myself, am working hard to unlearn the habit of people-pleasing.
Self-awareness is the first step. Once you know this instinct no longer serves you, you can start learning how to trust yourself, set boundaries, let go of unnecessary guilt, and tune into the needs of your inner person.
Many benefit from working with a therapist to unpack their trauma and reframe their thinking. Others may prefer to use journaling, reputable websites, or books written by mental health professionals in their healing process.
Regardless of method, putting in time and effort to build healthier habits can give you the agency to truly choose kindness over niceness.
*If cost is a barrier, the Open Path Psychotherapy Collective provides access to online or in-person therapy with qualified therapists for a sliding-scale rate of $40-70 per session, plus a one-time fee of $65.
This clip shows how niceness doesn’t always come from an honest place.
How to Choose Being Kind Over Being Nice on Purpose
We can be nice on autopilot, but choosing kindness requires a higher level of engagement.
Being kind means being attentive to the needs of others—or ourselves—and providing help in meaningful ways.
Officer Pastorello’s act of kindness toward Rhea Holmes is a good example of this. He saw a grieving widow in need of a home and responded by using his time and money to help her find one. He wanted nothing more than to make sure she didn’t spend another night out in the cold.
Pastorello’s efforts were highly praised in the media, and Mrs. Holmes showed deep appreciation.
Truthfully, not every act of kindness is received in this manner. Some go unnoticed, and recipients are not always grateful.
Our response as the giver, however, can reveal whether or not we were being nice or genuinely kind.
This occasionally becomes a topic of discussion on social media.
For example, when influencers post videos of themselves doing a kind deed, viewers’ reactions are often mixed.
Many find these videos inspiring, while others find them performative. In fact, there are often comments along the lines of:
“Cool, but would you do this without the camera?”
Honestly, it’s hard to blame commenters for being skeptical since this type of content tends to generate a lot of positive engagement.
True, it’s possible these influencers show kindness off camera and just want to inspire others to do the same. Still, they’re the only ones who can know for sure the intent behind their actions.
In fact, it’s a good idea for all of us to examine the motivation behind our positive acts by asking:
Was I hoping to gain attention, or did I just want to help?
Another way we can assess the authenticity of our actions is by taking note of how we respond when people come across as unappreciative.
If we find ourselves in a state of resentment, we may want to ask:
Would I have still done this good deed if I had known ahead of time that they wouldn’t show me the gratitude I feel I deserve?
If the answer is no, you may have done something nice rather than kind.
It doesn’t diminish the positive impact you had in that person’s life, but it may mean that kindness is an area that needs more care.
Being Kind vs Being Nice: Making It a Daily Practice
It isn’t inherently wrong to be nice out of politeness or a desire for approval.
There may be days where you just don’t have the mental bandwidth to take an active interest in others, but there’s no harm in simply being nice—even if you aren’t feeling particularly sociable or generous.
Niceness doesn’t require elaborate gestures. A smile or friendly tone can be enough to make someone feel respected.
Still, there are compelling reasons to go a step further by looking for opportunities to show genuine kindness to others.
- It promotes healthy brain chemistry. Research suggests that acts of kindness may boost our oxytocin levels. This is the hormone that helps us form attachments with others. Studies have also shown a positive correlation between acts of kindness and the release of dopamine—the hormone behind feelings of pleasure. It’s also believed to increase mood-regulating serotonin levels.
- It may improve cardiovascular health. Studies indicate that acts of kindness may help lower heart rate. Increased oxytocin causes blood vessels to expand, lowering blood pressure as well.
- It may help relieve pain. Researchers believe that acts of kindness may increase a chemical called substance P that plays a role in pain reduction.
- It may help ease social anxiety. Acts of kindness promote positive reactions that can alleviate fear of rejection in socially anxious people.
- It makes us happy. Multiple studies have indicated a link between generous acts and happiness.
If we want to fully experience these physical and mental health benefits, it’s best to practice kindness on a regular basis.
Start with yourself.
Take a moment every day to observe your thoughts and bodily sensations.
If you’re anxious, pause and take a moment to self-soothe. Grounding statements can be a helpful way to calm your nervous system.
If you’re tired, take a nap, if possible, or look for ways to lighten your load. Are there tasks that can wait until you’re fully rested?
Make time to check in with your children, family members, and friends.
If you notice a loved one is struggling, ask them how you can help.
In some cases, they may just need you to listen attentively. This doesn’t mean you have to find the right words to say in response. Simply acknowledging and validating their feelings can go a long way in providing comfort.
Be observant when you’re out and about.
Does someone have their turn signal on in dense traffic? You can be the one to let them over.
Is there a stray cart poised to hit someone else’s car? You can return it to the cart corral.
You may never get recognition for these acts of kindness, but you’ll feel happier and maybe even a little healthier.
Next Steps for Your Self-Discovery Journey
If you’d like to explore these ideas more personally, these resources may help.
Download your free Kindness Reflection Toolkit, designed to help you explore this month’s theme at your own pace.
Gentle Ways to Apply This:
- Reflect on your positive interactions with others. Note any expectations you may have had about the other person’s response and if visibility or recognition may have influenced your actions. This free printable, Niceness or Kindness, prompts you to explore patterns around niceness, kindness, and care.
- Pause and assess your current capacity for kindness. Use this free gentle reflection, Kindness Capacity & Care Mapping, to help you explore what care might look like toward yourself, your children, friends and family, and your wider community.
- Find simple ways to show kindness to people in your community. The free Kindness Quest printable makes it fun and gentle. If you’d like to brainstorm your own acts of kindness, there’s also a Create-Your-Own version included in the Emotional Regulation Toolkit.
Additional Inspiration:
Choosing to Be Kind, With Care
Though the world can be cruel, we have the power to choose kindness. We can do this by examining our motivation in doing good deeds. Being kind means taking an active interest in the well being of others and offering meaningful assistance.
Still, it’s important to check in with ourselves to ensure that we have the capacity for genuine acts of kindness because it can be difficult to be generous with cheer when we feel depleted.
In these dark times, being kind illuminates the good that still exists within humanity and inspires others to do the same.
Thank you for reading. If this post resonates with you, please share it with anyone who needs a reminder of the powerful impact their kindness can have on others and within themselves.
Why does kindness matter to you, and what are some ways you extend it to yourself and others?
Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments. If you’d like to receive an email notification when my next post goes live, you can subscribe using the form below.
Keep it kind, respectful, and focused on self-love and growth—let’s make this a safe, uplifting space. 🌿